Letting go... it's hard to do. Very hard sometimes.
My husband and I had a heart to heart discussion yesterday and he pointed out that he'd like me to "let go" a little bit and not take everything so seriously. It doesn't always have to be "black or white". Honestly, it hurt me to hear that he thought I wasn't enjoying life as much as I should be and my gaurds went up. Even though I knew in my heart he is right. :( I need want to control *everything* in my life. And so I do... I control our budget, I control the flow of our days, I just like to control. Everything. Although I don't like to admit it, it's true.
My husband reads my blog sometimes... although he doesn't ever comment, (he's 'keyboard' illiterate... lol!) but he said when he reads that I 'want' something, or the kids want or need something, he wants me to get it without feeling guilty about buying something for myself or the kids & thinking that we can't "afford" it. He wants me to enjoy life without stressing out that I spent money on myself, and worrying about tomorrow all the time. He wants me to open up myself to him and trust him to take care of me and our family without my "paving the way" and thinking that he can't do it, so taking care of it myself.
He wants me to have 'FAITH'.
And don't we all want that?
He doesn't want me to save every penny I possibly can, instead he wants me to fully enjoy what we have been blessed with. He works hard and wants us to enjoy the 'fruits of his labour' by enjoying experiences together & with the kids. Yet I fight him tooth & nail when he wants to go out and spend time together if it means forgoing extra money in the bank for my 'security'.
I know a lot of this stems from my childhood... we were poor and struggling most of the time. There was never enough food, warm enough clothes, enough money for the bills, etc... very rarely was there ever any 'extra'. As hard as my mother tried, i've lived it firsthand, and it's not easy raising 3 young children on your own with no other resources, and i'm blessed to not have to go through what she had to with us.
All of this is not to say that I will not save money anymore, or never do any budget crunching again, it's just that it won't be 'front & center' in my life anymore. I can't let it. That is not where it should be, I cannot let my budget consume my life. Overall, i'm choosing to relinquish control and hand it over to God and my husband. I will have faith that our needs will be met as they always have been whether or not we have xxx amount of dollars sitting in our bank account.
Can any of you by worrying add a single
hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as
that, why do you worry about the rest.
It may not definitely won't be easy for me, but i'll seek my husbands advice on planning out our budget, the way I plan out our week, (he thinks I take on far too much), and whatever else i've taken total control of and need guidance with. I don't want him to feel like he has "no say" in our lives, I want him to know that I love & respect him. We all need to feel loved, cherished, & respected.
In the end it really comes down to whether or not I want to spend all my time worrying about what tomorrow my bring , fretting about what 'may' come to be, and what I can and cannot control.
Our days are numbered here on earth...
"All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
And in the end, the answer is no, I do not. I choose to enjoy this precious life i've been given and open up my heart & soul in order to receive all the wonderful blessings that may fall into my life. :)
Are you struggling with anything right now? Do you need to relinquish control of something in order to move on with your life?